You're Cute When You're Mad: Simple Steps for Confronting Sexism

Hi, there, I’m Celeste. I’m a passionate feminist and a sexist. Nice to meet you.

Perhaps you’re surprised to hear me admit to having sexist beliefs, or maybe that resonates with you. I’m willing to bet, whether you realize it or not, stubborn pockets of bias are hanging out in your innermost mind just like they are in mine, regardless of how passionately you believe in fairness. That’s often why conversations about sexism are tough; we don’t usually recognize our own bias, and neither do other people. So if someone says that a specific remark was misogynistic, the most common response is, What are you talking about? I’m not sexist.

This is the unspoken subplot running beneath the surface of all our conversations about sexism. If we are going to have an honest and productive discussion, we must contend with both sides of our personality—both the anti-sexist and the sexist.

Sometimes, my own gender bias is expressed as a positive preference for women. In that, I am hardly alone. Research shows females are almost five times more likely to prefer other women than males are to show preference for other men, and both will actually associate positive qualities with other women.¹ Psychologist Laurie Rudman has cited a series of studies revealing a clear pattern in which men do not like themselves as much as women like themselves.

Of course, as you might expect, society’s good opinion of women seems to disappear when females move into the workplace or positions of power.² We should probably talk about that, just as much as we should address that most people like women better if they are not feminists.

The sexist inside all of us is preventing honest discussions about sexism, and I know this personally because I am not free of bias based on gender expectations. My conscious mind believes in gender equity and equal pay. Deep in my subconscious, though, are stereotypical beliefs and assumptions that were planted there by watching years of shows like The Brady Bunch and Three’s Company, in addition to learning from teachers who had also been taught women are nurturing and kind, while men are assertive and courageous.

Decades of seeing my female friends take months away from work in order to care for their children—some of them never to return—while their husbands rose through the professional ranks had an insidious effect on my subconscious mind. Fifty years of watching men get promoted over their female colleagues has taught my innermost mind that men are better suited for leadership, all while I’m actively protesting the inequity of it all.

While doing research for this book, I took both of the gender-related IAT tests offered online by Harvard. IAT stands for Implicit Association Test, and it is one of the only tools scientists have for detecting unconscious bias, far more accurate than simply asking people whether they are sexist or not. The website has a generous catalog of tests,³ allowing you to identify your own unconscious bias associated with race, age, sexuality, and disability, among others.

The tests I took measured bias in the sciences and professional work, and my results were disheartening. On the gender-career quiz, my results suggested a strong automatic association for Male with Career and Female with Family.

Oof.

It’s hard to accept, but there is obviously a lot of sexism lingering in the depths of my mind. It will take dedicated work to root it out.

To be clear, I’m not worried I’ll say anything overtly sexist. On a conscious level, I am a passionate feminist and never hesitate to speak up in the face of gender bias, even if it makes someone like me less. I have no patience for those who want to limit opportunities for women, or have expectations of how a female should behave. Yet something inside me, some stubborn bigotry implanted decades ago in my developing mind, assumes women are more connected to home and family, while men are inherently associated with career and work. That bias most likely leaks out of me through small comments and behavior known as benevolent sexism, which will be the focus of this book.

Benevolent sexism is the type of gender bias you are most likely to encounter on a regular basis and will therefore be central in most of your conversations. Not only do most people hear (and see) examples of benevolent sexism on a daily basis, but it can also be hard to address because people often fail to recognize so-called friendly sexism as harmful.

There are three steps to improve conversations about sexism:

Increase awareness so you can not only recognize benevolent sexism but also appreciate the seriousness of the offense.

Confront sexist comments when they